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Fear

Rika Swanzen

On the 13th of January 2007 I had the unique experience of attending a funeral for a biker. I have really never seen such support from a community...

Perservarance

Rika Swanzen

I read a quote the other day that said 'When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you command the attention of the world!

Knowledge

Rika Swanzen

Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742-1799) said that everyone is a genius at least once a year and that the real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together.

Fear

On the 13th of January I had the unique experience of attending a funeral for a biker. I have really never seen such support from a community. The minister rightly said that not many people understand the lifestyle of bikers, but that you won't often get people who can live their life to the fullest like they do.
Since I've been 'infiltrating' this community, I have been thinking about why people seem to fear people who are different...
I say 'infiltrating' carefully because it really isn't that hard to be part of a group that shares the same passion. What seem to create the most fear in relationships is 'perception'. The perception of not being accepted, the perception of being out of control, the perception of what will make you feel unsafe. Why do I so consistently see in my work that no matter how old, or how rich, or how attractive, or how successful, or how broken people are, they all seem to need a place to belong and the assurance that someone loves them.
When then did the need for security and love transform into the fear of loosing it? Why can't we be open to all people? Why do we find it so hard to just be ourselves, and to not be scanning around to see who is judging us or who is being nasty, or different?
Edmund Burke (1729-1797) said that 'No passion so effectively robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear'. I will not be delivered to a power that robs me from being comfortable in my own skin and from enjoying the company of others - neither from letting me scan the horison for what else life has to offer me.
This page is dedicated to Joe ('Toppie') Rabie, 15 October 1956 to 4 January 2007 whom everyone associated with the phrase 'Catch me if you can'. His memory will remind people to live their life without fear.

Perseverance

I read a quote the other day that said 'When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you command the attention of the world! I also remember a quote from Albert Einstein that said you cannot solve a problem with the same level of thinking that created it. This year has truly taught me about how much it pays off to think out of the box and to perservere...
The year 2005 has taught me that you can have peace within your circumstances, no matter what they are. We have been blessed with a mind that can overcome emotions, that can make us pick ourselves up when you think you cannot. But it is true, sometimes you need to do the ordinary in extraordinary ways - be it using your sense of humour or using the guidelines from your faith. It is also true that you have to change the way you think about the problem! Listening to the morning messages of Joyce Meyer on Radio Pulpit have taught me two ways that don't work are self-pity and feeling justified. It keeps you locked up in the problem and prevents you from focusing on the solution.
This year then taught me that faith, hope, love, and perseverance do pay off. One truly does reap what you sow, and although none of us can ever be perfect or chirpy all the time, it is so true that smiles are contagious. If you are focused on other, you may even find that your problems pale in comparison.
I know 2007 can only hold more promise. I will continue my persuit of building more and more personal character each day!

Knowledge

Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742-1799) said that everyone is a genius at least once a year and that the real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together. I have wondered in the past few weeks: when will one know enough? It feels as if the more you know the more you find out how much more there is to know.
Funny that knowledge is made up of 'know' and 'edge'. Can we assume that to know means you must always have the edge - the advantage? Knowledge is power as they say. But is this even so?
Up to now I have 10 years of formal study behind me and I have attended about 26 courses, workshops and seminars. Only now do people see me as knowledgeable, but still I find certain problems I do not have answers for. I'm not sure that one can ever stop learning. I wonder if a ceiling exist for how much one human brain can absorb, or is it like the caller list on your cellphone - it merely drops the oldest numbers?
Helen Keller said 'College is not the place to go for ideas'. Knowledge is born from ideas and academical theory is build up from knowledge. So does this statement say that although college is a collection of works on ideas, it is not the place where you can find more of it? That ideas can only be generated in real life?
It is ironic that therapists study to get all the knowledge about helping people, but in practice their clients expect them to have ideas about life - experiential knowledge that shows they can relate to being broken. It gives some support to why everyone suffers now and then. What use would we be to the world if the only ideas we have are the ones we got at university?
Then again, John Steinbeck (1902-1968) said that ideas are like rabits - you get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen. Maybe you only need to learn a bit of knowledge and become good at applying it to different situations.
Still, I somehow get the sensation that human beings were created as too complex and that only a few theories will never be adequate. So then, will we ever know enough? I don't know...

Survival

So it is back to survival again. For some of us this is a good word, because it reminds us that we are alive and busy chasing goals. But for others it holds feelings of being overwhelmed, going too fast, and being afraid of not making it. Sigmund Freud said that 'one day in retrospect the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful...
Hard words to believe when you are right in the middle of the struggle. I like reading books written by people who have been there. Nothing worse than someone trying to give advice who never had to go through something similar. Many of the authors I like are people who have went through their fair amount of struggles. Almost unanimously, people who have survived emotional hardship will tell you to hang on to your values and to keep the end in mind (therefore believing there is an end). Regardless of it being a cliche, merely saying to yourself that 'one day I'll look back on this and appreciate the lesson I've learned', can take the intensity out of it, and it CAN help you to obtain a healthier perspective.
I'm sure people often wonder how people with strong faith can seem so calm and satisfied. I have witnessed that it is often times only because they are holding on to a scripture or a word from a teaching. Sometimes it helps to believe in something before it is true. Lin Yutang said that 'hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence'.
The alternative to hope is hopelessness and that is NOT an option!

Long-term gratification

Richard Branson says that the Japanese can wait 200 years for a long-term goal. They don't look for the quick buck. They want slow solid growth. It is funny how it seems that half the world is only interested in short-term gratification. Have we started to question the value of long-term goals?
I cannot help to wonder how many people have long-term goals. Isn't that one of the things that will let us endure and that will make us sacrifice satisfaction for the moment, to get a bigger reward at the end? If someone does something in the spur of the moment, knowing it may have negative consequences, does it not imply that they have nothing worthwhile in their future they are risking?
Or maybe the answer is to be found in Antoine de Saint-Exupery's (1900-1944) saying 'A goal without a plan is just a wish'. Maybe we have a lot of wishes and no real goals and therefore it would be easy to get disillusioned if the wishes don't realize. Poorly handled dissapointment is a definite killer of hope and future expectations.
It may even be true what Peter Drucker says: 'Plans are only good intentions unless they immediately degenerate into hard work'. Could it be that we do have plans or good ideas, but we do not act on them sufficiently? I often say to people in training that they shouldn't underestimate their ideas - they should have an 'idea book' and write everything down. They may be suprised how easily it can become reality. Mr Branson shares this sentiment by admitting that he jots down his own thoughts, anything he sees and hears. He often looks through old notebooks to gain fresh ideas or to see what he might have missed.
Vic Braden said, 'the moment of enlightenment is when a person's dreams of possibilities become images of probabilities'. Maybe the solution is that simple: recognise your idea, write it down, and when the time is right, act on it! This has stood me well thus far...

Feedback

Helen Keller, (1957) said in The Open Door that ‘Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature.... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing’. I find that the incisive (insightful) search for security is more valuable than resisting moving out of your comfort zone. I have just finished a journey I’ve embarked on, and it taught me that you actually never arrive at the top of your game. There is always more to experience and more to learn…
I have received word that God is giving me a break-through and that I should not miss any opportunities. In the light of this I became part of not one but two training programmes. The one where I can add value in a joint venture, and the other where I became a student again – having to learn new material and having to be assessed.
Again I found myself at a place where I had to open myself up for feedback. I felt something like the big fish of a small pond getting into a big pond and becoming a smaller fish instantaneously, by mere comparison with the other fish. So easily recognition became a new comfort-zone.
Feedback implies being measured against some standard. ‘You are going too fast’ implies a perception of how much speed is appropriate. I do believe absolute truth exists but also that perceptions are relative. Most things are on a continuum and are interpreted through the meaning given to it. For one person slow, on the one side of the continuum, may be related to speed, while for the other it is related to energy. Psychological reasoning suggests that the need to explain our own context may be seen as being defensive. But how much responsibility lies with the evaluator? Should the person check whether the evaluation is based on an underlying assumption? What standard was used by which feedback was given? Only then is feedback responsible and few people have conquered this art.
For me the answer is to stay humble, because then you stay teachable. It allows you to never fall too comfortably within a comfort zone. Feedback is like your alarm clock that gets you up in the morning – it warns you not to oversleep, and not to miss out on what needs to be done this day so tomorrow can bring its own sunrise with even more opportunities…
knowing any code.

Advice

I am wondering if the extreme cold is infiltrating my usual passion for giving advice when asked. I mean, it is even part of my work and what I have spend 10 years of formal studies on. Still I feel to be quiet lately and I am not convinced people really want advice even if they ask for it (even pay for it)?
I've always known that people, mostly, will listen to what they want to hear. I assume it is part of our natural defense mechanisms. The true success stories of therapy, are those brave souls who decided to really open themselves up for a different, objective opinion.
It is interesting therefore that in the anniversary year of my 10 years of being a social worker, I would come accross the notion of a "Sage"...
Eldregde (2006: 270) states that: "... true Sages offer the wisdom they've gained through experience with a sort of humility and tenderness, a graciousness I believe is best described as compassion. It's a matter of presence... There is room in his presence for who you are and where you are. There is understanding. He has no agenda, and nothing now to lose... knowing by instinct those who have ears to hear; and those who don't. Thus his words are offered in the right measure, at the right time, to the right person".
Wow! Is there a class in being a Sage? As with all things, when the world lacks the answer God's Word will have it. Proverbs 26:12 says: "Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him". The Word also says that it is better to rely on God than on man (Psalm 118:8). Why is this relevant? I have seen that the only time I come remotely close to being somewhat of a Sage (despite all the client-centered training I had), is when I let myself be led by the Holy Spirit. And I cannot help but be humbled at the result in people's lives when I know I had little to do with it.
I also think I have lived enough life now to appreciate that emotions are not that simple and that life is truly hard at times. This is not a saddening message however. As Eldredge says: "... life does not come easily. Not the real thing anyway... The things we value are the things we've paid for. The victories we treasure are from the hardest battles". He also quotes a sermon by Harry Williams who said: "...there came a point in his life when he was unwilling to preach anything that was not true to his own experience" (2006: 287, 262). How courageous should a therapist be to open herself for experiencing the pain of life so she could give meaningful advice to those who turn to her?
Again it feels I have to throw myself on the wisdom of Eldregde who had the courage to address issues such as these. He talks of a friendship with God - "For if he has this, it will compensate for whatever deficiencies the man may have". He also talks of the reason for being given a kingdom to rule over, which in my life means the responsibility I have as a professional. "That is why man is given a kingdom. We are given power and resources and influence for the benefit of others" (2006: 250, 225).
Left behind is the need for recognition through a title and the need for acknowledgement when you have brought someone to insight while making them feel they did it themselves. How much better (wiser?) to pursue a humble word at the right moment for the sake of those who trust you - more from what you know from your heart, than what you know from books!

Seriousness

'TO BE OR NOT TO BE....' so serious...?
I've been slightly haunted by this question this past month. I have found myself in a jovial mood - excited about a number of prospects and I guess just feeling happy to be alive and able to overcome obstacles in my life. The problem is that I have then found myself acting a bit inappropriately in the company of people who are not feeling as 'jolly'...
I've attended an interesting talk (or debate) on emotional intelligence (EQ) and the question posed was what do we understand by any concept - is EQ what it is as explained by the author, or is it merely what he understands EQ to be? It made me realise that I see EQ as an inherent character inside a person that makes her act with maturity and integrity despite what the circumstances bring to the situation.
In lay-man's terms, a part of EQ is to not allow other's emotions to affect yours (unless by choice). This brings me back to my slightly inappropriate reactions to the people I interacted with while in my energetic, larger than life mood. It is already hard to maintain this mood in the face of clients who don't always see that you intend things for their best even if the process feels painful, and in the light of children being abducted and killed, etc., etc... So I came to the temporary conclusion that if I can maintain my mood, it is everyone else's responsibility too.
Needless to say, being who I am - called and trained to help heal people's emotions, I felt heartless if I'm happy while someone in my company is in a very difficult place. Is it me being inconsiderate or them being selfish, expecting me to adjust to their mood? As I thought some more, I wondered if it isn't more about tact?
Sir Isaac Newton (1642-1727) said that 'Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy'. I believe he should know, being the founder of calculus and the law of gravity. What does this mean for my initial question - whether to be serious or not? I guess if I master the art of not being serious without hurting someone? Again, this has to still be dependent on the sensitivity of the person! I guess it is true that no man is an island...

Consequences

Someone once said that a short definition of integrity is to be good when no one else is watching.
It seems as if a number of people think they can make choices without facing really devastating consequences. If you do not believe there is going to be a judgment of your actions somewhere in your life, it is easy to only base your decisions on what will be best for me.
In the fourth book of Karen Kingsbury's Firstborn series, one of her characters says: "Moral failure begins with the smallest compromise".
It makes me sad to see how many husbands and fathers are willing to leave their family because they believe they deserve something more. When did believing that your family deserves you become so unpopular? Is it adventurous to leave the known for the unknown - to sacrifice trust for no guarantees?
It feels to me as if we are not seeing what we call a 'midlife crisis' as the demoralising epidemic it is. To build something for 20 years just to leave it for a feeling of 'being alive' must surely be seen by most as irrational? John Eldredge says the following: 'What we call a midlife crisis is often a man coming into a little money and influence, and using it to go back and recover what he missed as the 'beloved son' (he buys himself toys) or the 'cowboy' (he goes off on adventures). He is an undeveloped, uninitiated man'.
This does not mean that wives and mothers are innocent. They often try to control their environment because of their need for security. But underlying to this need is the wish to stay together. You cannot say that either of the sexes do not need a lot of understanding and support to get to a middle ground where both feel their needs are being met. It is no accident that so many books on the topic are available.
I have for long felt passionate about couples that should do themselves the favour to go for therapy long before their marriage needs to be saved. By this time so many resentments and misunderstandings have accumulated, that both are tired of trying and they do not believe in 'starting overs' anymore. When will the most fragile of relationships be handled with the care it deserves?
I dream of children believing again in love and matrimony, because they saw it in their parents' 30 year marriage. In the movie 'Weather Man', Nicolas Cage's character gets advice from his father who says that grown-up life is not about easy. Dr Phil McGraw (of the Dr Phil show) also says that maturity is knowing you cannot have your cake and eat it.
What will the accumulated consequences for society be for the choices made in immaturity?

Decisions

In the eve of my rest period, I am again, confronted with decision-making. I wonder how many decisions we really have to make, and how many we present to ourselves because we feel a need for change, we think we are bored, we think things are too difficult, etc. etc...
I wonder what Lord Falkland was thinking about when he said: "When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision. If he lived from 1610 to 1643, did he also live in an era where you were pressed continuously to not only make decisions, but to make the right ones? As with the irony of Jimmy Buffett's words "Indecision may or may not be my problem".
I've just finished a group for teenagers where I too told them it is all about the decisions they make now. Maybe I believe in my heart what Agnes de Mille (1909-1993) said: 'No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently'
Then off course there is also the aspect of my faith. Will it not be safer to trust and follow more than to constantly worry about making the right decision? Does that mean we ride things out to see where they lead and risk looking directionless and irresponsible? Why is it that most of the good things in my life, feels like they've dropped in my lap - that I did not really go look for it or tried hard to let it happen? If we truly become like children again, won't the journey fascinate us more than the destination - like it used to be?
But surely if you do not know who is in your driver seat, then off course you cannot take that risk. How much freer are those that come under the slight realisation that maybe they are not controlling as much as they may think. It makes me think of words in a song by Casting Crowns that say: "I'll rather have a shack on a rock than a castle in the sand". I think for me, at this time in my life, my decision is to trust that there is some higher design to my life and that I should listen more, instead of concerning myself with strategies and plans.